Wednesday 18 June 2014

Bridesmaids: Shotgun Wedding

I wrote this piece for a bridal magazine that was due to come out early this year. But due to circumstances beyond my control, the magazine did not get off the ground. I sent it to another established magazine, but I guess they didn't like fiction. I couldn't just sit on it, so I thought I might publish it here:

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Stuff like that doesn't happen! Especially here!”’
“I’m telling you! I heard this from a reliable source! A source under the influence of alcohol, but a reliable source nonetheless.”
“Buy anyone of the many bandits in this town a cocktail or two and they'll tell you enough gossip and fiction to make a movie and two bad sequels!”
All the bridesmaids burst out laughing at this. Their laughter made for the perfect image you could sometimes find in the mystic land of billboards. The photographer gave little instruction, the girls were naturals. Not to mention the fact that he was relishing the tales of the gun toting, wedding crashing bridesmaids.
“These wedding crashing bridesmaids obviously couldn't crash the Sata’s wedding at Pamodzi. I hear they seriously beefed up security at the hotel. Armoured limo, double the bodyguards and a strict guest list too.”
“I heard it wasn't even at Pamodzi. Heard those pictures were taken for the media and the actual location was secret!”
They laughed again. The camera snapped.
“Oh snap! I heard they left the guests at the last wedding they crashed with absolutely nothing. They got jewels, wrist watches, rings, nose rings, piercings, cufflinks, and even clothing! They took EVERYTHING!”
“What? Imagine having to see your father-in-law in his undergarments at your wedding!”
The camera snapped some more.
“More embarrassing than funny, you guys.”
“What the hell would they do with slightly used suits and dresses anyway?”
“Probably sell them. I hear they only hit up ma wedding yaba ‘upper mwamba’. Those tuxedos could fetch something reasonable even if they've been worn before.”
“But surely, how could they get away with all that and nobody protested or alerted the police? I find all this hard to believe.”
“Obviously they confiscated everyone’s phones first. And I don't know what you're on about; I know it doesn't take much to convince you to strip. You and mister best man over there.”

The ladies giggled and watched the groomsmen as they posed for their photos on the beautifully kempt lawn across from where they were. The Southern Sun always had bridal parties snapping pictures on weekends like this. The water fountains and green grass in front of the hotel made for some memorable pictures.
“And it was such a memorable experience. I’d gladly strip for him again!”
The photographer shifted his angle.
“What’s their angle?-- Steal from the rich and all? And what type of women carry guns and rob people?”
“The type that lead police through high speed car chases. They must have some serious motive. Terminally ill children in need of life saving surgery? Or maybe knee deep dept.”
“More like a deeply rooted psychological problem. Someone told me that they're doing this out of spite. That they can't stand to see other brides happy after their own weddings went to hell.”
“What happened?”
“Word is, one of them had gone against the wishes of her tyrannical father. All in the name of true love! But sadly, true love didn't show up at the altar. He took a big cheque from the father and split.”
“Aww, that’s so sad!”
“Yeah. Bridesmaid number two had invested her life savings on a lavish wedding. Ice sculptures, wedding planners… the works! She found her groom with her chief bridesmaid in bed on their wedding night.”

They all went silent feeling a little sorry for the urban legendary bridesmaids.
“If I didn't think it was all an urban legend, I would shed a tear! Come now! Let’s get on with our own wedding. Our blushing bride just signaled us to leave.”
They all treaded lightly on the lawn, afraid their long, thin heels might sink into the soil. Each bridesmaid reached her groomsman and hooked her arm around his. The bridal party walked to their motorcade and they were off for the wedding reception.
Before the first car could exit the premises of the Southern Sun, an armoured truck pulled up and blocked the exit. Two pretty young ladies leapt out of the vehicle and stood on top of its roof. They each pointed double-barrel shotguns at the bridal party and grinned maniacally.

Benny Blow is professional wedding crasher and aspiring writer. Read about his real life adventures here and follow him on Twitter @Benny_blow.

Illustrated by London ‘Lo’ Kamwendo, professional wedding cake taster and cartoonist. See more drawings on his blog here and follow him on Twitter @inkerblood.


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  2. Nice post. Thanks for sharing it. Know more Bridemaids.

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