Slippin'

"To live,is to suffer. To survive,well,that's to find meaning in the suffering."-Earl 'D.M.X' Simmons.

As I write this,I'm holding back tears. They flood and sting my eyes. A.K.A's 'All I know' is playing in the background. He sings,"A.K.A he's a beast,he's a problem though/the one you motherf*ckers should solve but don't/spit 6 C.D shuttle and revolve my flow/...(aaaaawww) see me in the club I'm in my office clothes/no plan B this is all I know/......".
The two songs I've quoted set the mood and express almost my exact emotion right now. These ones, and Jay-Z's 'So Ambitious'. I'm feeling really beat up and inspired right now. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I feel. I'm a little drunk right now,so I may just ramble...
Today/yesterday was International Women's Day. Naturally on a public holiday,my people drink. A practice I enjoy but still frown upon. I was with my crazy cousins earlier. We were consuming the remnants of last weekend's wedding (one of the older males in the family got married and there was an over abundance of alcohol). So yeah, we got to drinking and had a hell of a time. I love my family,crazy bunch. They helped me get past the stress I've been getting from work. This holiday was such a blessing, you don't even understand! But more on that later.
So I walk into the house in my ultra tipsy state, after saving the world from the scourge of excess alcohol; and my Dad follows me into the bedroom. He says some stuff about me always failing my papers and not being serious about completing my accounting course. That a number of my friends are done with school and that it doesn't seem to affect me that I'm 24 and still live with my parents.
In my head I had replied and given him that speech I'd worked on over the years. The one about how I'm not who he thinks I am. About how I've stifled my dreams just so I could be what society expects me to be. The speech were I tell him 'No more!!'. That was all in my head, but in reality,I had been silent. All I had managed was to tell him that I didn't know what he'd wanted me to say. He left the room fuming.
I was left there thinking as I folded my clothes and feeling tipsy still,'Maybe I should tell him. I mean,I'm not happy. This accounting shit is depressing me. My job sucks and its not gaining me much. I'm no veteran, but I feel I should gain some kind of pleasure from it, shouldn't I?...'
So I decided its now or never. I went to his bedroom and admitted I was tipsy. I told him how he was the most difficult person to talk to. I told him how I do not like accounting and that's why I have taken this long to finish my course. I explained how I want to write as a profession and how if I'd told him that he would have frowned upon it. He reacted how I expected him to. He told me about how this is reality and that,'this is not America!' He asked me how many African writers I knew that had made it.
I told him that's the very reaction and attitude that had prevented me from speaking up. He told me we'd talk when I was sober.
Now,Jay-Z has a hypothetical conversation with his friends in his song 'So Ambitious',his friend says,"...how many people you know that are making it from here?/The world don't like us,is that not clear?..." He replies," ...alright but,I'm different/I can't base what I'm gon' be off of what everybody isn't...". My sentiments exactly. I've been raised with beliefs and ideas largely influenced by cartoons and comic books. Till this day, my dream is to become a writer for cartoon network. But what do you do when your ideology is not founded on the struggles of your third world country. When your Dad believes you can't make a career from art,but only keep it as a past time or hobby? Do you suppress your talent and succumb to the system? The system after all is based on foreign principles,so why can't I believe in my foreign ideas?
The day before yesterday I reaffirmed the fact that I hate accounting. I held back tears because I'd fucked up a Debtors analysis,all because I wasn't given clear instructions. Maybe I'm just dumb, and should have used my teachings from school,but I failed regardless. I hate numbers and I wouldn't like to deal with them any further.
Call it giving up or being a baby,but I don't want to stay in this profession. I have wasted enough time as it is. If I wait longer, I may miss my opportunities.
I have not thought this post out much and I have not edited it like I probably should have,but I won't. I'm not too certain what I was trying to achieve with it,but I thought I should leave it in all its honesty. I am a writer. I will devote all my energies to getting my work out and I'd rather fail at that than fail at accounting.
I'm going to sleep now.